Computer Death

This event follows the tale of Derp Herp, a 35-year-old man who still lives with his parents. Today he will find out that even computers can be a real pain in the hindquarters.

Contents
[show]==Eight A.M edit == It's eight o-clock in the morning, time to get on my computer.

Gets on Computer

Well, I'm on my computer, getting ready to check my email, and do some cool stuff. Now let's see what we have here.... huh, an error? Oh great, I'm on my computer for 1 minute and I already got an error. Oh well, let's see what it says.



A butterfly in my computer? That's unusual. Oh well. Let's check my email. Oh it's from Jim. It says "Hey Bob, when are you getting off your ass and enjoying the outdoors? It's a beautiful day." Oh please, I don't need to go outside. I'll send him a email saying "I'll get sun burn." Ha ha. Send. I'm so smart. Now it's time to watch shit on Youtube.

Nine A.M. edit
OK, that's enough of Youtube. Now to... what?



What the fuck? Why do I need to restart my computer just because I moved my mouse? And I can't cancel out of this. God damn it! Fine, I'll restart. I can't believe I'm doing this.

Restarts his Computer

OK, now time to.... now what?



Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try.

Ten minutes later

Ha! Nothing happened. Stupid computer. Oh look, I got a message from Jim. It says "You're just saying that because you can't move your ass off your chair and from your computer." Oh fuck him. Now I got a message from Jessica. It says "Why did you by me a pair of glasses when I have perfect vision?" I'll just put "Because you almost hit a bunny while driving, you damn whore." Send. Never really liked her. And the email to get one billion dollars is also here. All I have to do is click on the link and.... now what?



What? No! I haven't clicked the link yet, don't delete! I can't cancel out of this! OK, OK, I'll just restart the computer.

Restart his computer

OK, that was a close one. Now time to get my one billion dol.... What? Damn, now I have to clean this up.

Looks at screen in shock

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bangs head on keyboard, face bleeds

Ten A.M. edit
I can't believe my chance at winning one billion dollars went down the toilet. That was a once in a life time offer, something you can't ever get again. Oh well, what goes around comes around. Back to computer business. An email from Jessica. It says "Ha ha, very funny you fucking asshole. Why don't you go down to the joke store and learn some better jokes." Fuck you, whore. Anyway, I think I'll write Jeff a letter. Um, what the hell? I can't type anything on here. What's going on?



Well, thanks for telling me my keyboard is not responding, but I don't think pressing any key would help if my keyboard isn't responding, now would it?

Ten Seconds later

Didn't think so. Luckily, I have a spare.

Goes to closet, finds keyboard, replaces old key board with new keyboard

There, problem solved. Let's see if that new video of Everybody Hates Chris is on Youtube. I'll send Jeff a letter later.

Gets on Youtube

And it is on. OK. Nice. Haha that's funny. And here comes the good par....what?



What, no, don't delete it. It's the best show. No, don't delete! No no no no no no no no no no no!

Computer deletes

NOOOOO!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!

flicks off his computer with both of his hands

Eleven A.M. edit
OK, now what do I do. Oh, I got a message. It says "click here to see some big tits." Oh boy! One thing I love about the internet.....huh?



Or what? You're going to sue me? I'll do it anyway.



Bullshit! You're just trying to keep me from looking at some hot girl with big tits.

clicks on the link

Big tits here I come.......AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Trust me, this is all you need to see. A image of a naked grandma appears

My eyes, they burn!



Why didn't you tell me it was going to be a image of a naked grandma? And don't you dare say.........



Oh fuck you!



Umm, I think I'm experiencing a problem here.

Noon edit
As you can see, my computer is acting funny. It has never done this before.

Female Technician: Well, I don't see any problem with it.



Female Technician: Yes, I am.

You think that's normal? I don't think that's normal.

Female Technician: Well, the monitor looks OK.



Female Technician: Aw, isn't that cute.

Not really, sounds stupid.

Female Technician: Well, your computer is just a normal computer, but you might want to go to Best Buy and buy a new computer. And that will be 50 bucks.

Um, do you take credit cards?

Female Technician: Afraid not.

OK, hold on.

Takes out a hundred dollar bill

Got change for a hundred?

Female Technician:Let me check my bag.

bends down



(whispers to computer) Shut up you stupid computer.

Female Technician:Sorry, I only have ten dollars

Keep the change.

Female Technician:Have a good day sir.

Leaves

2:30 P.M. edit
Well, that was useless. Oh great, now what?



Then what was the whole point of showing me that? Never mind, I don't want to know. Anyways, now time to look up some tits on the web, without any grandma pictures.

Goes to a porno site

Oh yeah. Nice tits. Oh yeah, I have a huge boner....... What the hell?



No, she doesn't need to know. I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want...... huh?



NO!!!!! What have you done? She pays for my bills! Oh great, here's a email from her now.

Email:"Bob Lucas! I am very disappointed in you! First you live your entire life on the computer, and now this? You were not raised that way. You are hereby stricken from the family will, and you can forget about me helping you do your taxes! Please grow up!"

Oh great. Thank you. Thank you very fucking much!



Five P.M. edit
OK, now time to take a online test.

Ten minutes later

Man, I don't know anything on here. Hey, I got that book, maybe it can help. Nobody will ever know. Hahaha.

2 minutes later

Done! That was easy. Send. There! Now to wait for my results......What is it this time?



Oh really? Well I'd like to see you try to prove it.



Dammit! I hate you!

Phone Rings

Hello?

Mad Guy: BOY, YOU BETTER RETAKE THAT TEST AND NOT CHEAT THIS TIME OR I'LL BEAT YOU INTO NEXT YEAR! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?!

Yyyyyyyes sir.

hangs up

(Pointing at computer) You are worthless. Now I have to take this test again. OK, let's see here. What is question one? It says "Who invented Microsoft." I don't know, ummmm... Albert Einstien?

WRONG!

What do you mean that's wrong?

WRONG!!!!!!! 

Why is it wrong?



I didn't know that!



What?

Robot busts through wall

Robot: Crush, kill, destroy! Crush, kill, destroy!

screams like a girl, with a higher pith

Seven P.M. edit
After a gruesome and epic chase around the neighborhood that nobody lives through except for him and some old guy, he returns to his house, all cut up, bruised up, and burned

Damn, why am I having a day like this? I have never had a bad day, especially on my computer. It's like it has a brain of its own now. What, another error sign? What is it this time, dammit?



Wait, come on Windows, I didn't mean all those things I said.



Look, you don't understand.



Come on guys, I've been having a bad day.



Well, that would hurt my feelings. OK, I'm sorry Windows.



Oh fuck you!



10:10 P.M. edit


(whimpers) Not again.

Secret Service barges through front door

Secret Service: You're under arrest for watching XXX! And besides, it's 10 minutes past curfew! There he is! Take him out!

screams like a girl

Midnight edit
After being chased and shot at by the Secret Service, and being tortured and told if he ever does that again he'll lose his balls, he returns home, completely miserable

This is one horrible day. Well, it can't get any worse....what?



What!? Thirty seconds!? I don't have that much time! I've got to get out of here!

Runs to car, tries to start it

Why won't this thing start?

Looks at gas meter, which is pointing to E

Oh shit, you got to be kidding me!

Gets out of car, starts running

This is the wor-- Dies in explosion